Job Applications

At my company, we’re always looking for new help. We can go through a telemarketer quicker than , and we are nearly always receiving new e-mails for full-time positions I have posted online. Here are a few of my favorites that I’ve gotten, without fixing any grammatical mistakes (personal information removed, of course):

HELLO MY NAME IS CRUCITA IAM SENDING THIS EMAIL REGUARDING THE JOB POSITION U HAVE OPEN IAM INTERESTED IN THE JOB I DONE DID ALOT OF CUST SERVICE IN MANY PLACES I DONT HAVE A RESUME AT THE MOMENT BUT I DO HAVE EXPERIENCE IN THIS POSITION I AM A MOM IN NEED OF A JOB NOW AND DAYS IS HARD BUT IAM ONE WHO U CAN CONSIDER DOING A GOOD JOB IF U CAN EMAIL ME OR CALL ME AT 000 000 0000 THANK U GOD BLESS

hi im kyle mone im 19 im interested in the job i worked at a place in florida doing online surveys for a company called protocall im good with talking on the phone i dont have a resume cause i did most of my work under the table but if hired id be there everyday and on time u can email me back or call at 000-000-0000 thanks

Those two were especially funny, but you get a fair share of just silly ones as well. The types where they don’t really give you any information to go on:

I was interested in the job posting on craigslist. I was wondering if it was still available?

I was wondering if the position for the job is still available? If so I have great references, and work experience, and also live in Farmington. I'm a college student soon to be in the fall and am highly motivated for this job.

Those two wouldn’t be so bad, they do have proper grammar, they believe in periods, and they know how to use a shift key. The only issue is the absolute LACK of any way to communicate back to them. How do they expect me to contact them if they’ve left me nothing to go on? I wonder if they sit there and act shocked when no one ends responding to their ads.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve interviewed some people with full, solid resumes who just ended up being a tease of potential, but at least they were able to get their foot in the door by sending me something to go with, and not just giving me something to mock while I go about my day.

Melvin Taft, Part 1

We have all received gotten these e-mails before; offering a large sum of money due to a mysterious death and the next of kin being unable to retrieve it. I took a queue from 419eater and decided to play with this particular one. I’m playing the role of Melvin Taft, an older man who has been a salesman all his life. He also has his fair share of stories that he is overeager to share with anyone. Any comments I am making after the email will be in italics, just to help keep it a little less confusing. This will be part one of a hopefully multi-part post. The scammer's post will be in yellow.

Thursday, May 13, 2010:

From-Patrick Martin

To- Melvin Taft

Dear Melvin,

How are you, hope all is well, thank you very much for your email, first I must show my appreciation and gratefulness because you indicated your interest and I know that we are going to make a very good partner as time goes on, mean while I received your E-mail and I feel that the content demands explanations, thanks once again for your prompt response to my email and interest in this business, which is of mutual benefit to both parties.

First of all, I wish to let you know that the total amount involved in this transaction is £5M, (Five Million Great Britian Pounds) and also you share for your participation in this business is 40% and 60% goes to me, also you need to know that the funds in question is still in the bank account of the deceased person who is the original account holder.

The deceased person is Mr Andreas Schranner a German who worked at Mount Resources Ltd, a geologist by profession who died in AF4590 crash since 2000 along side with his entire family

Please log on here to see for your self,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

My search for his relative was not successful and my proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as a relative/next-of-kin and beneficiary of my client, so that the proceeds of this account could be paid to you and we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage.

I contacted you because, if this fund is not transfer out urgently the fund will be diverted to the British Treasury as Unclaimed fund because of the law imposed by the British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. For more information about the prime Minister decision on dormant accounts visit:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/4017381.stm

I only request your assistance to work closely with me to claim the funds. We can only get the money when the bank has approved our claims and make transfer of funds to your bank account. This transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law

I am lawyer based in U.K, happily married with 3 kids. I am a reputable and honorable person. I assure you that you will be glad having me as your partner because both of us will smile at the end of this transaction.
I contacted you because I am seeking for a partner who will work closely with me so that you can receive the funds in your bank account.

The fund belongs to my late client who has died with his family in an plane crash accident. Over the years I have been making great efforts to locate the relatives of my client but could not find any one, hence I decided to seek for a foreign partner to claim the funds, otherwise the bank will transfer the funds to the Her Majesty Treasury as the laws here is.

Once the wire transfer of the funds is effected, I plan to travel to meet you so that we will share the funds accordingly and if possible go into a lucrative business venture in your country.

For this transaction to process, I expect you to provide me with your full name, telephone numbers, contact address, occupation, and your date of birth.

Once I receive the information, I will go ahead to proceed with the modalities needed so that the bank will make approvals of the funds in your favour and have the funds transferred to your nominated bank account.

I will arrange and perfect all LEGAL DOCUMENTS needed to back up our claims, such as a Sworn Affidavit of Facts and other related documents in your favour to prove that you are the next of kin to the deceased. This will enable the bank approve and release the funds to be transferred safely to your nominated bank account.

I expect you to give me total assistance and support so that together we will achieve success in this very important transaction. It is worthy to reassure you that once you work closely with me, we will achieve success in less than 21 working days. Also I expect you to take my directives and instructions all through this transaction.

I look forward having a good partnership relationship with you in the nearest future. Feel free to ask questions where you are confused. Finally I am reachable on my direct line below.

Waiting your urgent response and call.

Thank you & Best wishes

Martin Patrick

From – Melvin Taft

To – Martin Patrick

Dear Sir,

I am QUITE excited to be offered such an amazing opportunity; I can only hope that your plan can be successful. However, I am concerned. What would happen, sir, if the British government found out that I was NOT the next of kin? Obviously, for such a vast sum, this sort of risk is understandable, but I am the sort who likes to be cautious in their actions. What good would £2M do to me if I were to be extradited to the UK and put on trial for fraud only to lose it? And what would happen to you, dear sir, if this were to happen. I must say that my concerns are high, but I am MOST interested in moving forward.

As a gesture of my esteem toward this, I will provide you with the following information you requested:

Melvin Taft

Assorted “Personal” Information Here.”

Sales Representative at White's Used Cars (You know what they say, you'll never get robbed by a White guy!) That is our company slogan; I find it really helps gain us business in our location.

My birth date is March 13, 1974.

Your pal,

Melvin

I know I took the White guy line and place of business from the television show American Dad, but I felt like I couldn’t give up the shot to let him know right from the beginning that I already knew this was a scam.

Sunday, May 16, 2010:

From-Patrick Martin

To- Melvin Taft

Dear Melvin,

Thanks for your quick mail, The contents of your mail about the transfer is well noted and understood by me.

Please there is absolutely nothing for you to be afriad of because I am a seasoned lawyer and I know all that is involved here and I am going to use my expertise and make sure everytging works well, this was the reason why I asked you to maintain absolute confidentiality in this business. The worst thing that can happen is that my appilication will be rejected and that is it.

However, I have received the information required for the documentations. Your personal information is o.k. So tomorrow I will write an application of claim on your behalf and submit to the bank. I will process, arrange and perfect all the necessary legal documentation needed to back up the claim.

Well, I will use my experience as a professional lawyer to arrange and perfect all vital documentations required. I will also arrange for a "Sworn Affidavit of Fact" in your favour to prove that you are a relative and "Next of Kin" to the deceased person. After which I will also secure a "Letter of Administartion" and also a "Letter from the Probate" from the judiciary department. I hope to keep you updated with our progress and development as we go ahead.

These vital legal documents are very important to prove to the bank that you are the next-of-kin and beneficiary to the deceased person.

Please note that I am about to entrust the whole fortune in your name as the beneficiary of the funds and I strongly believe that conscience demands that we will be truthful and honest to each other. We have to learn to trust and believe in one another because it is the key to our success. I will expect you to be very secretive and confidential about this project to avoid exposure. You are also expected to be very cooperative and to give me total assistance and support all through this transaction as I have already decided to use my personal savings to Start up the basic expenses needed for the documentations process.

I expect you to keep intouch with me and reply my mails quick and also I plan to apply for an annual leave to travel to meet you once the funds have been approved and transfered to your account. Once the funds is in your care, we will meet for the sharing of the funds accordingly and for possible proper investments.

I look forward having a good partnership relationship with you in the nearest future.

Thank you for your understanding and efforts so far and always feel free to ask questions where you are confused, so that I will clarify you o.k.

I wait your urgent response.

Your Partner,

Martin

From – Melvin Taft

To – Martin Patrick

Venerable Mr. Martin,

I assure I am one of the most trustworthy souls you will come across in these dark times. In fact, as a young child, I once won second place in a local truth telling competition. I would have placed first, but one of my answers was unbeknownst to me a complete and utter fallacy! How was I to know, a mere child of twelve, that Santa Claus was not real! What about you, dear sir, have you ever had such an injustice as that carried out on you?!

But I digress, good sir. I would like to know exactly what you require of me, as I have checked this e-mail several times, and have not been able to determine exactly what you require from me to continue this beneficial transaction. Shall I just wait for the documents to arrive in my email?

Please get back to me as soon as possible, I understand that this transaction must take place swiftly.

Your pal,

Melvin Taft

Monday, May 17, 2010:

From-Patrick Martin

To- Melvin Taft

Dear Melvin,

How are you today, I hope fine. Thanks for your re-assuring emails

However, like I told you in my last email to you, today I filled an appilication for the release of the funds to you as the next of kin to the deceased

Also I have done the Sworn Affidavit of Facts and tomorrow I will go to the Probate Registry to get the Letter of Probate and next tomorrow I am suppose go to the Royal Court of Justice to collect from the same court Letter of Administration 

After collecting the Letter of Administration, I will go to the bank submit the documents to back an application of claim which I have already filled at the bank.

So on daily basis, I will be letting you know how I am making progress

Regards

Martin

Wednesday, May 19, 2010:

From-Patrick Martin

To- Melvin Taft

Dear Melvin,

 How are you today, I hope fine and that you got my last email to you and why have you not replied.

Anyway, while I wait for your email, I want you to know that I was at the court where I went to get the Letter of Probate from the Probate Registry, and I was very lucky because I got it.

So by tomorrow I will be going to the Royal Court of Justice to get the Letter of Administration and after that I will go to the Bank and submit all these documents to back up the appilication that I have filled earlier on

But before I will submit it, tomorrow I will scan and send you a copy of all the documents for you to see, but I need to hear from you before I can do this

Regards

Martin

From – Melvin Taft

To – Martin Patrick

Dear Martin,

I was quite concerned when I had not heard from you yesterday. I did not reply to your letter from the day before, because I was unsure of the words to tell you. I feel that a simple "Wonderful, sir, I will for your business at the courts to be completed" would be seen as unnecessary, and perhaps even boorish behavior. However, I do desire to continue with this wonderful transaction, I was merely waiting to view the documents. Is there anything I can do, dear sir, to enable you to accomplish this faster? I only want to assist you in performing this facade to perfection. Why, once I remember a contest a friend and I had, where we competed to see who could help the most old ladies cross a busy street. I felt that I was the victor, however, I was declared to have lost, due to the fact that I was only supposed to help women who WANTED to cross the street! Sir, I do not recall that rule being in place when we started the competition.

Regardless of my many memories, I shall be waiting to see the documents.

Warmest Wishes,

Melvin

First Post

Well, first post, and I don't think many people are going to check this out.

It'll probably work better when I have some content, but hey, isn't the right way to do things to act first and think later?

Ah well.